You are in the kitchen making dinner whilst your children play in the living room.

Suddenly, you hear their voices get louder, and very quickly you hear a bashing sound of a block tower being knocked followed by tears and a scream “I hate you!”.

As you walk into the room you see a wooden block flying right into one of your kid’s head. “You idiot!” - comes out the raging voice of your child accompanied with loud crying from both now…

You feel the overwhelm and rage overfilling your body and you yell “what’s wrong with you?! Say ‘sorry’ right now or go to your room!”

Big exhale….

WHY DO SIBLINGS FIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?

 

1. Immaturity of the brain

Human brain starts developing from bottom upwards.

What it means is that young children have very well-developed lower part of the brain which is responsible for our emotional responses such as fear response, fight or flight, behavioural responses.

This explains that the younger the child is the more intense their emotions are expressed (tantrums, biting, hitting kicking etc).

The top part of the brain, on another hand, is still quite tiny and immature. This part of the brain is responsible for executive functioning, reasoning, emotional regulation, organisation and problem solving.

I am sorry to bring you the bad news, but this part of the brain will not be fully developed until your child is in their mid/late twenties!

So, according to science, if a young child got angry with their brother or sister, they are very likely going to scream, hit or destroy something.

They respond from the most developed part of the brain. Due to the underdeveloped top part of the brain, children simply are unable to resolve conflict as they have not even got enough brain to develop such a complex social skill.

WHAT CAN YOU DO? 

Get curious about where your child is in their development and adjust your expectations accordingly.

Ask yourself, whether you are modelling good conflict resolution and social skills – children learn most from the things that they see around them and learn only little from what we say.

You can practise some coping skills with your children when they are in a calm state.

 

2. Lack of connection.

Parent-child connection

When a child is born, they have the built in internal need for being close to their caregiver.

At the end of the day, we provide food, shelter, safety and love. When another baby comes along, the first born subconsciously sees them as an obstacle that stands in the way to the closeness to the parent.

No matter how much the siblings love each other, as soon as one of them feels less connected to the caregiver the internal competition mode switches on against their brother or sister, and they instinctively want to fight them.

Sibling connection

Let’s think about how we build relationships with other people. You don’t just become friends with another mum because you both bring your babies to a baby class.

To develop friendship and trust, you really need to get to know another person and of course, you need to spend time together.

Most importantly, you both must enjoy this time together. Shared joyful moments are very important for relationships.

If your children don’t have many moments of spending happy time together, they may struggle to build a strong bond with each other.

WHAT CAN YOU DO? 

Spend some quality time individually with each child to fill in their connection cup. Even 10-15 minutes a day of connection time can make big shifts.

To help your children build their bond with each other, make sure you provide plenty of opportunities for them to have joyful moments together.

Offer games where they are on the same team against the parents, do cooking together or have nature walks together.

 

3. Unintentional parental influence. 

All parents have a desire to have children who get on and love each other forever. However, often we act in the ways we have perhaps learnt from our own parents or society, that unfortunately, can add fuel to the sibling rivalry.

If you do or have done any of these things, congratulations – you are a human (I’ve done most of them too!).

Comparing children to each other

“Look at your brother, he is eating all his broccoli, why can you not do that?” This is very likely going to be perceived as “my brother is better than me. Mum likes him more”. This is guaranteed to fuel resentment.

Labelling

“The smart one”, “the sporty one”, “the shy one”, “the loud one”… Just imagine you are at work alongside your other colleague and your boss is introducing you both to a special site visitor.

First, they introduce you by your name, and then introduce your colleague by their name and then adding “and she is the intelligent one”… And now notice, what are you feeling and thinking?..

Even if you know, that the other person is more experienced in certain areas, you internally may feel you are worse than her/him. You may also see this as “my boss clearly values the other colleague more than me”.

And now, translate it to your children. What happens when we label one child “the smart one”? The other one by default perceives themselves as “not so smart one”.

Competitions

“Let’s see who puts their shoes on faster!” As mentioned above, if you have more than one child, they already have a built-in sense of competition against their sibling for their attachment figure.

Competitions raise cortisol levels, and they most often end with a conflict between young children.

Although these competitive little games can absolutely get children moving quicker, but the situation where one is a winner and the other one is a looser, ends with each of them feeling exactly that. No bond will be formed there.

Taking sides in conflict

No matter, if it is obvious who is in the wrong in the sibling argument or a fight, both children are desperate to feel heard and understood.

As soon as we pick side and make judgement that one is a “victim” and the other one is a “villain”, the one who is in the wrong is going to feel less loved, less supported and less connected.

And, as I have already mentioned, lack of connection and internal fight for the attachment figure could have been a problem in a first instance, so by picking sides, you can distance your children even further away from each other and increase the frequency and severity of conflict.

 

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Don’t attach labels to your children and don’t compare. So how can we reinforce the good behaviour of one child in front of the other without making the other one feel the “not so good guy”.

It's actually quite simple.

Instead of labelling “such clever girl” focus on the process that led to the accomplishment. For example, you can say “you have practised every day and it paid off” or “I can see you have put a lot of effort in to doing your homework”.

If you notice, these statements are not judgemental and not labelling the person. Instead, it highlights the actions - such statements are encouraging and reinforcing for both children.

And, the other sibling is more likely to think “hmm, I can practise more too” and then its achievable, instead of “she is the clever one there is no way I can match that!”

When it comes to sibling fights, stay neutral as much as you can. This is the one where you really need to try and go against your instinct (and it is not easy!).

Remind yourself that both of your children need your support, and you are there to help them both. Make neutral comments about what you saw (like a sport’s broadcaster) and listen to both of the children.

Try and remember that both of your children involved are lacking skills. If situation got physical, separate them and stay close.

Do not try and resolve the conflict too quickly and don’t force apologies. Wait for high emotions to past, and then help to navigate the repair.

Final thoughts.

Three things are true:

1) sibling rivalry is very normal

2) sibling rivalry can be very triggering and exhausting, and

3) children can learn tremendous skills through these tricky situations with the support from their parents.

As of the parents, firstly, I encourage you to find compassion to yourself and remind yourself that no, you have not messed up your kids if you made mistakes in navigating sibling rivalry.

Parenting is a lifelong journey of growth. You are exactly the parent your children need. The fact you are reading this article is a proof that you are an amazing parent who wants to do the best they can for their children.

References:

- Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, P. H. D. T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child. Random House.

- Nelsen, Jane, Ed.D (2006) Positive Discipline, Random House Inc, New York.

- Delahooke, Mona PhD. (2019). Beyond Behaviors. PESI Publishing & Media, Eau Claire, WI.