liana-brian

When Making Children Do CHORES Causes More HARM than Good.

Fri, 06 Sep 2024 11:02:32 GMT

Research tells us that, when children contribute towards household chores, it can have a very positive effects on a child: it can boost their self-esteem, sense of belonging and of course, teach them life skills and responsibility.

There is another side of the coin, however. Here are some of the ways parents can cause more harm than good by making children do their chores.

1. Unrealistic expectations.

If a parent has an expectation that a 4 year old child should be able to remember to brush teeth, get dressed, make their bed and tidy their toys - all independently, there is no doubt it will set this child up for failure. Not being aware of what a child is capable of doing and not offering adult support can make a child feel high levels of stress, shame and like they are a failure which can lower self-esteem and increase anxiety.

2. Not teaching the skills.

This point is linked to the one above. When parents just expect a child to be able to complete certain tasks by themselves, usually there is a big chunk that is missing – teaching child a skill. This includes not only a physical skill of completing a task (such as making a bed or emptying dishwasher), it also requires executive functioning skills such as organisation and planning, which don’t develop overnight.

3. Household chores are made to feel like a burden.

When a house job is made to feel like a horrible task that just has to be done and it is not enjoyable, children will not be motivated to do it. If children are “made” to do it by the parent “with a stick in their hand”, this is unlikely to develop sense of responsibility and goodness for a completed task, and instead, later on in life it can turn into chore avoidance as soon as children start living independently. This is when grown up children start living “messy” and their parent then makes comments “this isn’t the way I raised you”.

4. Parental harshness.

Following the point above, if a parent communicates to their child in a dominating and demanding way when it comes to chores, this can also cause a lot of harm. If parents use a commanding tone and being inflexible, and also use shame or even punishments (“ Look at the state of your room! You are so lazy! If you don’t clean your room, you can’t go to the party! ”), this can lead to a breakdown of parent-child relationship, disconnection, and it can also lead to high anxiety. It is likely that the child will grow into an adult who gets easily triggered by mess which can then cause conflict in their future family.

Does it meant that we should stop involving our children in household tasks? Absolutely not. There are MORE EFFECTIVE WAYS to get them to help without causing disconnect and associated negative effects, and instead, building on those life skills, sense of unity, responsibility and feeling of significance.

1. Check in with your own attitude towards household tasks.

Children learn more from what they feel and observe than from what we say to them. If you notice yourself complaining about doing house work, it is unrealistic to expect your kids jumping in to help with the things that are not fun even for you. Start by engaging young children with the tasks you genuinely don’t mind doing – they will pick up on your energy. It is also helpful to shift from the idea that chores are the things that nobody likes but has to do to the idea that it is something that we get to do and makes us feel good.

2. Support with building a habit to “tidy your own mess”.

It is very healthy to teach children to clear up their own mess from a young age. However, there is a difference between “You’ve spilled your juice – you are so clumsy! You better tidy it all up now!” and “Oppsie, juice got spilled. It’s ok, I can help you. Here is a kitchen towel – you can put it over the spillage” (and hand the paper towel to your child). It is important you help a child to do it AND the child is participating in tidying without you shaming them or telling them off; it then becomes a healthy habit that doesn’t feel like a chore but is just something we do (just like washing hands after using a bathroom).

3. Communication is key.

As mentioned above, bossing children around only creates disconnection, resentment, power struggles and potential difficulties in the future. It can be a game changer when we encourage children use their own thinking, for example, “can you check if plants need watering?” or “we have brushed our teeth and made our beds, what else do you think needs to be done for us to be ready?”

When your children are little, turn tidying into a game (“your toy cars look really tired – let's drive them back to the garage so they can sleep there”). When your children are nearer school age, you can say “I really need a pair of 5-year olds hands to help me get the washing out of the washing machine”, or ask your 7-year old “do you think you can help me with a grown up task such as emptying the bins?” For your older children it can be helpful to use an invitation language – “I am excited about going out with you guys but the washing still needs hanging and dishwasher still needs emptying – who wants to help me with what so we can get out the door quicker?”

4. Allow room for flexibility and autonomy.

If someone said to you “go and put the washing on right now!”, would you really feel motivated to go and do it in that second? If anything, you would probably feel like protesting it and delaying for as long as possible. Children need to have a sense of autonomy, so giving them some flexibility can help. With younger children, it might be useful having a household contributions chart where they pick which jobs they want to help with this week and on which day. If something needs to be done today, you can try giving some choices “do you want to tidy the books now or just before lunch?”

5. Help them.

I know this may sound like extra work for you, however, if you really want to raise children who don’t fear housework and have sense of responsibility, sometimes your help is essential. When you are doing something together and connecting at the same time, the whole experience feels more positive and much more achievable for a child, and they are still doing a chore! Younger children will need a lot of your input in this area, but some older children might just need your help to get them started. If your older children struggle with initiating or doing some housework, i.e. tidying their bedroom etc, instead of shaming them and punishing, have an open communication and help them find a solution (“Hey, I remember you planned to tidy your room yesterday and today it still looks the same. What do you think you might need to help you do that?”

CONCLUSION

It can be very tempting to give out chores to the children and demand completion straight away. However, if we really want to raise responsible human beings with good habits of looking after themselves and their home, we really need to adjust our expectations and be patient. Instead of focusing on perfectly completing the task, try and shift your mindset and focus on gradual skill building and regular positive participation from your child – this is how you will eventually develop healthy habits of responsibility.

What Are You Really After When You Demand RESPECT From Your Child?

Thu, 05 Sep 2024 12:29:27 GMT

Imagine the situatio n: a five year old Tony was looking for his remote control car, and in order to find it he got a lot of other items out of his storage cabinets. He eventually found the car and started playing with it.

Tony’s mum comes into his room and sees everything out on the floor and says, “what a mess, please put it all away now!”, but Tony ignores her. She then says louder, “Tony, I’m talking to you!”, but he still not even looking her way. She feels like her blood is beginning to boil in her body, so she comes to Tony, snatches his remote control and shouts “I am talking to you and you are ignoring me! Put all your stuff away right now!” Tony gets angry and shouts “No!”. Tony’s mum yells “You are so rude and disrespectful! You are not getting your remote control back until everything has been put away!” and walks out with the remote. Tony starts crying and through tears, puts everything away so he can then play with his remote control car again…

The word “respect” or even “disrespect” comes up a lot when it comes to parenting.

Everyone likes to be respected, right?

In my over 13 years of working with parents and their children in different capacities I have noticed that the word “respect” or “disrespect” is often misused to describe any type of children’ behaviours that a parent struggles to tolerate.

Tony’s scenario in adult world...

Imagine you are reading a book on your armchair whilst drinking a cup of tea. Once you had finished your drink, you place your cup on the coffee table next to you and carry on reading. A minute later your spouse or your friend comes into the room and says to you “can you take your cup to the kitchen, please?” You then answer, “I will as soon as I finish reading”.

Let’s pause and see what has gone on here. Did you not take the cup to the kitchen because you disrespect your spouse? Or did you not do what they said immediately because you were still busy with the book and you were after some human autonomy, so you could take this cup back on your own terms?..

What if then, your spouse would raise their voice and said, “take it to the kitchen right now or I will take your book away from you!”

Firstly, let’s notice how it feels:

· do you feel calm and cheerful or

· do you feel on guard, uneasy and maybe even frightened?

You then have two options really; 1) to take the cup to the kitchen or 2) to stand your ground.

In option one, if you were to take the mug to the kitchen, would you really do it because of respect you feel for your spouse? I think you would “obey” in the scenario if you felt threatened and intimidated by the other person and feared the consequence. With the option two, if you were to stand your ground, would that be because you disrespect your spouse? Or would that be because you actually showing respect to yourself and protect your autonomy?

And the last two questions in this scenario; would you feel your spouse/friend was being respectful to you when they demanded you putting the cup away or would you see them as dominant and controlling? And lastly, what would happen to your feeling of respect towards your spouse in this situation?

What is actually going on?

Majority of us were raised in very dominant homes where we were to “do as we were told”. However, did we really do everything our parents asked us to do because we respected them and loved the idea of doing what they said, or did we do it because we feared what would happen if we didn’t?

We were raised with believe that by never saying “no” to our parents, never standing our own ground we were showing respect. Let’s face it, the way the word “respect” has been conditioned into us is far from what it is in adult world. When parents demand “respect” from their children, often they are after a child who FEARS their parent and who is submissive into control and obedience.

Who do you respect?

Let’s think of a workplace. Can you picture a boss who works purely from their ego with a “stick in their hand”, expects unrealistic results without showing any consideration or care to their employees? If you happened to work for one of these managers, I would imagine you would not raise your hand if I asked you whether you had genuine respect to that person. I assume, you were doing as you were told but when you talked to your colleagues, you were saying how much you hated your boss.

However, if you are lucky enough to have experienced working for a strong manager with effective leadership skills, you probably know what a difference it makes when a leader takes your needs into consideration, leads with curiosity and empathy, coaches you in your job with clear guidance and feedback, and in return you feel motivated to do the job. I have experienced a manager like that, and I can say strongly that I genuinely had a lot of respect for that person and still do now.

So, what is Respect?

If we look for a definition of “respect”, the most common one what comes up in search engines sounds like this.

“Respect means being treated with consideration and esteem and to be willing to treat people similarly.. It means to have a regard for other peoples' feelings, listening to people and hearing them, i.e. giving them one's full attention. Even more importantly, respect means treating one with dignity. Respect is the opposite of humiliation and contempt”.

Respect is something that comes from the inside. Respect cannot be demanded; respect is a sensation and feeling you experience towards another person which is based on relational experience.

At last, if we can’t demand respect, how do we get it from our kids?

· Connection

Connection is something that happens in between the times where you ask your child to do something. Connection, first of all, means safe attachment. Connection also means the willingness to be WITH a child on the same page, enjoy their company, give them full and undivided attention, and tune in with them. This becomes the basics for the next point…

· Relationship

Command and obedience are the basics of dog training, it is not a human approach. Human beings are relational creates. To build strong relationship with our children, parents really need to work on areas such as active listening, emotional intelligence, compassion, and effective communication – all these are also the basics of good leadership skills. When we move away from giving commands to children and expecting unquestionable obedience, but instead, talk to them respectfully, with consideration and compassion, children feel understood and respected. When they feel respected (just like you - by a good leader in a workplace), they learn to do the same and they are more willing to cooperate and lean in towards you.

· Trust

With strong bond and healthy relationship always comes trust. When there is trust between two people in any relationship (especially parent and a child), respect comes mutually and naturally.

References

Farid, Sana. "Respect." Beyond Intractability. Eds. Guy Burgess and Heidi Burgess. Conflict Information Consortium, University of Colorado, Boulder. Posted: July 2005 <http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/respect>.

One Thing I Would NEVER Do Again As a Parent

Wed, 18 Oct 2023 19:58:01 GMT

If you feel like simply getting out the door on time (tie your shoes… where’s your coat… do you have your lunch??) is a battle, the reality is that you are locked in a power struggle with your child.

Someone will “win” and someone will “lose.”

And while this can be hard to recognize in the moment, power struggles are counter productive when it comes to cultivating a loving, healthy relationship with your child.

Power over dynamics are ubiquitous in our culture. However, when we tap into a larger truth we can see that everyone is divinely worthy of their own thoughts, emotions and experiences.

Yep! Even your kids. When we succumb to the candy of a power struggle, we are diminishing our child’s (the one we’d gladly dive in front of a bus for) self-worth, inner authority and ultimately, causing separation in the relationship through an erosion of trust.

While the stakes of this seem small when children are young, this can lead to really negative repercussions when these little cuties turn into big cuties. Teenagers who aren’t in communication with their parents about big challenges make poor decisions.

However, when trust and communication strategies are established early, there is an unshakable foundation that you child knows they can rely upon. They will come to you. Even when things are hard.

This is not a case for permissive parenting.

Clearly, we are charged with teaching our children to behave in acceptable ways, and to embody the values that we hold dear. I’ve learned that this is far more effectively done through conscious communication and emotional demonstration than the old “power over” ways that most of us were parented.

When my kids were little, I was a HUGE fan of the show “Supernanny.” She relied on a punishment and apology frame. Time outs were the relied upon method of bending a 3-year old to your will as a parent. (I personally loved the show because it made me feel like other people were way worse at this parenting thing than I was, and I wasn’t particularly confident in my skills at the time.)

I implemented her methods with gusto.

You will put on your shoes, or else….

You will eat your broccoli, or else…

You will NOT hit your sister, or else…

Time out.

The deal was your kiddo was supposed to sit there for the number of minutes as their age, then apologize. If they didn’t apologize they had to sit there for another round.

I knew that this method wasn’t going to work the day my 3-year old son sat on that step for well over an hour (you do the math). But then… even worse, he wouldn’t look at me for the rest of the afternoon.

I’d damaged our relationship in the name of control, and I vowed I would never do it again.

The key is to learn to be an authoritative parent that sees, understands and respects the individual experience of your child. When you communicate clearly, and are willing to own your own emotional experience, while allowing this little human to own his or hers, you can be in a powerful cooperative relationship.

Power struggles will sometimes (rarely) be necessary. So save them for when they count.