When Making Children Do CHORES Causes More HARM than Good.

Research tells us that, when children contribute towards household chores, it can have a very positive effects on a child: it can boost their self-esteem, sense of belonging and of course, teach them life skills and responsibility.

There is another side of the coin, however. Here are some of the ways parents can cause more harm than good by making children do their chores.

1.    Unrealistic expectations.

If a parent has an expectation that a 4 year old child should be able to remember to brush teeth, get dressed, make their bed and tidy their toys - all independently, there is no doubt it will set this child up for failure. Not being aware of what a child is capable of doing and not offering adult support can make a child feel high levels of stress, shame and like they are a failure which can lower self-esteem and increase anxiety.

2.    Not teaching the skills.

This point is linked to the one above. When parents just expect a child to be able to complete certain tasks by themselves, usually there is a big chunk that is missing – teaching child a skill. This includes not only a physical skill of completing a task (such as making a bed or emptying dishwasher), it also requires executive functioning skills such as organisation and planning, which don’t develop overnight.

3.    Household chores are made to feel like a burden.

When a house job is made to feel like a horrible task that just has to be done and it is not enjoyable, children will not be motivated to do it. If children are “made” to do it by the parent “with a stick in their hand”, this is unlikely to develop sense of responsibility and goodness for a completed task, and instead, later on in life it can turn into chore avoidance as soon as children start living independently. This is when grown up children start living “messy” and their parent then makes comments “this isn’t the way I raised you”.

4.    Parental harshness.

Following the point above, if a parent communicates to their child in a dominating and demanding way when it comes to chores, this can also cause a lot of harm. If parents use a commanding tone and being inflexible, and also use shame or even punishments (“Look at the state of your room! You are so lazy! If you don’t clean your room, you can’t go to the party!”), this can lead to a breakdown of parent-child relationship, disconnection, and it can also lead to high anxiety. It is likely that the child will grow into an adult who gets easily triggered by mess which can then cause conflict in their future family.

Does it meant that we should stop involving our children in household tasks? Absolutely not. There are MORE EFFECTIVE WAYS to get them to help without causing disconnect and associated negative effects, and instead, building on those life skills, sense of unity, responsibility and feeling of significance.

1.    Check in with your own attitude towards household tasks.

Children learn more from what they feel and observe than from what we say to them. If you notice yourself complaining about doing house work, it is unrealistic to expect your kids jumping in to help with the things that are not fun even for you. Start by engaging young children with the tasks you genuinely don’t mind doing – they will pick up on your energy. It is also helpful to shift from the idea that chores are the things that nobody likes but has to do to the idea that it is something that we get to do and makes us feel good.

2.    Support with building a habit to “tidy your own mess”.

It is very healthy to teach children to clear up their own mess from a young age. However, there is a difference between “You’ve spilled your juice – you are so clumsy! You better tidy it all up now!” and “Oppsie, juice got spilled. It’s ok, I can help you. Here is a kitchen towel – you can put it over the spillage” (and hand the paper towel to your child). It is important you help a child to do it AND the child is participating in tidying without you shaming them or telling them off; it then becomes a healthy habit that doesn’t feel like a chore but is just something we do (just like washing hands after using a bathroom).

3.    Communication is key.

As mentioned above, bossing children around only creates disconnection, resentment, power struggles and potential difficulties in the future. It can be a game changer when we encourage children use their own thinking, for example, “can you check if plants need watering?” or “we have brushed our teeth and made our beds, what else do you think needs to be done for us to be ready?”

When your children are little, turn tidying into a game (“your toy cars look really tired – let's drive them back to the garage so they can sleep there”). When your children are nearer school age, you can say “I really need a pair of 5-year olds hands to help me get the washing out of the washing machine”, or ask your 7-year old “do you think you can help me with a grown up task such as emptying the bins?” For your older children it can be helpful to use an invitation language – “I am excited about going out with you guys but the washing still needs hanging and dishwasher still needs emptying – who wants to help me with what so we can get out the door quicker?”

4.    Allow room for flexibility and autonomy.

If someone said to you “go and put the washing on right now!”, would you really feel motivated to go and do it in that second? If anything, you would probably feel like protesting it and delaying for as long as possible. Children need to have a sense of autonomy, so giving them some flexibility can help. With younger children, it might be useful having a household contributions chart where they pick which jobs they want to help with this week and on which day. If something needs to be done today, you can try giving some choices “do you want to tidy the books now or just before lunch?”

5.    Help them.

I know this may sound like extra work for you, however, if you really want to raise children who don’t fear housework and have sense of responsibility, sometimes your help is essential. When you are doing something together and connecting at the same time, the whole experience feels more positive and much more achievable for a child, and they are still doing a chore! Younger children will need a lot of your input in this area, but some older children might just need your help to get them started. If your older children struggle with initiating or doing some housework, i.e. tidying their bedroom etc, instead of shaming them and punishing, have an open communication and help them find a solution (“Hey, I remember you planned to tidy your room yesterday and today it still looks the same. What do you think you might need to help you do that?”

CONCLUSION

It can be very tempting to give out chores to the children and demand completion straight away. However, if we really want to raise responsible human beings with good habits of looking after themselves and their home, we really need to adjust our expectations and be patient. Instead of focusing on perfectly completing the task, try and shift your mindset and focus on gradual skill building and regular positive participation from your child – this is how you will eventually develop healthy habits of responsibility.